Friday, August 8, 2014

The Shocking Truth About the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood App

This sad tales begins with one video: Tyler Oakley's "Attempting to Play The Kim Kardashian Game." After thoroughly enjoying it, I decided it might be a good idea for my video of the week--especially since I'm nowhere near as famous as Tyler and with the help of Luke, I am trying to make my videos a lot tighter (I know I can ramble). I thought this would be the perfect opportunity and while waiting for my our new housemate to move in, I filmed this.

What happened next was truly horrifying. I found myself wanting to continue with the game despite all moral objections to it. I sat up that night waiting for my energy to refill, wondering when Simon (the manager in the game--unfortunately you don't get Kris Jenner) was going to call me with my next gig. Would I have enough energy for it? Would I make enough money to pay my rent? (Wait...that sounds terribly like real life...)

 Truth be told, I don't know all that much about Kim Kardashian, aside from a few various and sundry episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that I've watched. I recently brought up with some of my academic colleagues that she has brought some amount of public awareness to the Armenian Genocide, although they didn't quite appreciate the mention of her in academic discourse. 

The game itself is actually pretty genius. Kim and her cohorts have made a seriously addicting app that allows you to pretend to be famous as you glom on to Kim (who is like your career Sherpa?). You run around completing various tasks like making appearances at night clubs, modeling for random sportswear, the odd commercial...all things that are just so Kim. In the game, you earn "money" for these things, but there is a primary currency in the game that you must either wait hours to replenish or purchase with real money: the K-star coins. These coins are necessary to purchase energy, which you use to complete the tasks in the game. You can also purchase Kustom (that's how the game spells it, man) items within the game. The game also allows you to earn stars by making purchases with local stores, which honestly is pretty smart. But Kim's already a gazillionaire. If she were a fresh out of college indie designer needing cash, I would totally support this enterprise. But I can't justify it with Kim.

I woke up the next morning, excited for my energy to be replenished within the game. And then something truly dreadful happened: my university sent me an email stating that I had a month to materialize an entire chapter of my my doctoral thesis (which has yet to be written). Instead of bemoaning the injustice for too long (after all, they seem to do this every year with big deadlines) or taking action, I hopped on the Internet for a hack of the game. There had to be some way I could get my Kim fix without actually ponying up real money.

And lo and behold, I found this guide to acquiring unlimited stars and money. It took around 15 minutes, but oh, I was determined (pro-tip, the dropbox files on the original file are the only ones I could get to actually download). With very little computer programming knowledge, I was able to restart the game, with unlimited K-stars and currency. Is this what true power feels like?

Then, gentle readers, I played the game all day. All day. Like, I forced myself to shower and eat. But oh, did I become famous. In the Kim Kardashian world that is.

I got an awesome loft in Tribeca with a bunch of furniture I couldn't even sit on.

And a suite in Paris that I couldn't sleep in...because you literally do not sleep in this game. Are the characters on uppers? They have to be to keep up this grueling pace.

I changed races. Temporarily. 
I got a Range Rover called a KimKim (seriously...)
I went to Kim's Mansion where I learned all about Kim Kardashian's charity efforts. And gave her a handhug (WTF?). I mean clearly I have no more EFFs left to give here.
I modeled for a the Kardashian swimwear line.

And in the end, I became the most famous person in the game's universe.
 Here I am at a charity event (note the not so subtle portrait of Kim on the left-hand side). And look, I have 43.6 million fans (across all social media platforms? I am confused at what that number actually quantifies)! Does that mean I'm more famous than Kim? The real Kim only has 22.2 million twitter followers. EAT MY DUST.

I thought the game would end there, after I had sucked my entire day dry. But it didn't. Simon, the manager, kept calling and pushing me into infomercials and short artsy films. Maria, my publicist, kept trying to hook me up with this Anna Wintour-a-like to do fashion work for her. And Kim kept calling and calling to hang out. Like, Kim, do you not have a million other friends, 542 siblings and a baby? Don't you work so hard? (I know she does because when I've seen her show, she asserts it over and over.) Why are you hanging out with me? Are you trying to steal my thunder now, Kimberly? 

I decided to delete the game here, otherwise it would just continue ad nauseum. And frankly, it started to get a little repetitive after I'd reached all of my goals (although part of me is still curious about what lurks behind the locked neighborhood near the mansion I purchased in Calabasas).

But I may never know. 

And I'd like to keep it that way. Now on with my regularly scheduled life. And that thesis chapter....

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  1. I'm addicted to this game too! My data bill has suffered due to my addiction! I'm also apparently number one has well!

    1. Haha! I had to delete it. It was too much, girl.

  • I didn't know the Kardashians had a game, it sounds hilarious (and kind of addictive). The 'hand hug' cracked me up, only in Kim Kardashian's world...

    1. Kim lives in her own little bubble, doesn't she? She cracks me up.

  • Caity O'ShaughnessyAugust 9, 2014 at 4:38 AM

    This makes me laugh so hard. And cringe, because I'm heading to figure out how to hack this game right now. God help me.

    1. What sucks about this game is you can't play it when you're you can't play it on the plane. :(

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