Not so long ago, I experienced something I haven't felt in years: the intense desire to be someone else.
I don't mean the general, "I wish I were anyone but myself," but seeing someone's life through the window of social media and thinking how perfect their life must be. I started to look at their Instagram and Twitter, looking at all of the cool things they were doing and loving their style, thinking that this woman's life must be amazing and problem free.
Of course, as an adult, I know that's not the case. This person, like the rest of us, puts their best foot forward on Instagram. And additionally, that's this person's job. So, of course, she leaves out the bad days, the frustration, depression and heartache of the human experience.
It was as odd thing to experience, as I don't think I've felt that way in at least 10 years, or perhaps more, as I've grown far more comfortable in my own skin as I've aged.
However, it isn't surprising, given this weirdo limbo I've been in. 2 years of undiagnosed interstitial cystitis with 8-10/10 daily pain and a cocktail of pain meds will do that to you.
I've lost so much of myself during this time. I've gained a little weight. I've slept like a koala. I've skipped out on more social events than I can count due to the pain. I've put off the travel I love so much.
To say depression has set in is probably an understatement.
So I've decided to use this mild jealousy over another person's life to add fuel to the things I can do in this strange state.
Since I've started a course of procedures, I've started to actually feel a little bit better for the majority of the day. That means no (or fewer) pain meds, which means not nodding off for most of the day, which means having time to do other things aside from struggling to get through work before feeding and walking the dog and then snoozing again.
It's difficult to plan things, such as committing to volunteer somewhere or getting another job (outside the house) while I'm still waiting to see if this treatment actually sticks, so instead, I'm filling my days after work with activities that improve me as a person.
My Limbo Goal List includes:
-Writing Entangled, the sequel to Unravelled. I'm working on making it both a sequel and able to be read as a standalone novel to possibly try my hand (again) and traditional publishing. That's the one big professional goal I haven't hit yet (aside from finishing my PhD, which is imminent).
-Taking two classes on Coursera. I selected a course on Dog Behavior, because duh, and a course on Historical Fiction (a combination of two of my favorite things).
-Going to the gym and doing gentle exercise 20 minutes per day as long as I'm not in pain
-Finishing my Chestnut Tree website, which will be a comprehensive site about Holocaust education and resources for students, teachers and survivors and their families.
This is why I don't make New Year's resolutions, because I can resolute right now!