Wanting to Be Someone Else: Turning It Around

Not so long ago, I experienced something I haven't felt in years: the intense desire to be someone else.

I don't mean the general, "I wish I were anyone but myself," but seeing someone's life through the window of social media and thinking how perfect their life must be. I started to look at their Instagram and Twitter, looking at all of the cool things they were doing and loving their style, thinking that this woman's life must be amazing and problem free.

Of course, as an adult, I know that's not the case. This person, like the rest of us, puts their best foot forward on Instagram. And additionally, that's this person's job. So, of course, she leaves out the bad days, the frustration, depression and heartache of the human experience.

It was as odd thing to experience, as I don't think I've felt that way in at least 10 years, or perhaps more, as I've grown far more comfortable in my own skin as I've aged.

However, it isn't surprising, given this weirdo limbo I've been in. 2 years of undiagnosed interstitial cystitis with 8-10/10 daily pain and a cocktail of pain meds will do that to you.

I've lost so much of myself during this time. I've gained a little weight. I've slept like a koala. I've skipped out on more social events than I can count due to the pain. I've put off the travel I love so much.

To say depression has set in is probably an understatement.

So I've decided to use this mild jealousy over another person's life to add fuel to the things I can do in this strange state.

Since I've started a course of procedures, I've started to actually feel a little bit better for the majority of the day. That means no (or fewer) pain meds, which means not nodding off for most of the day, which means having time to do other things aside from struggling to get through work before feeding and walking the dog and then snoozing again.

It's difficult to plan things, such as committing to volunteer somewhere or getting another job (outside the house) while I'm still waiting to see if this treatment actually sticks, so instead, I'm filling my days after work with activities that improve me as a person.

My Limbo Goal List includes:

-Writing Entangled, the sequel to Unravelled. I'm working on making it both a sequel and able to be read as a standalone novel to possibly try my hand (again) and traditional publishing. That's the one big professional goal I haven't hit yet (aside from finishing my PhD, which is imminent).

-Taking two classes on Coursera. I selected a course on Dog Behavior, because duh, and a course on Historical Fiction (a combination of two of my favorite things).

-Going to the gym and doing gentle exercise 20 minutes per day as long as I'm not in pain

-Finishing my Chestnut Tree website, which will be a comprehensive site about Holocaust education and resources for students, teachers and survivors and their families.

This is why I don't make New Year's resolutions, because I can resolute right now!

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TV Shows I'm Watching This Autumn (And Ones I'm Not)

If there's one thing I can write about lately, it is all of the TV shows I've been watching! I never really thought of myself as a big TV person, but lately, I've definitely been into a huge variety of shows.

Here are some of my fall favorites:

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Making the Team
Although this one's technically over, it's still one of my all-time faves and I watch it every year. Maybe it's the former dancer in me, but the suspense of finding out who makes it and who doesn't is almost too much. It, however, does make me feel incredibly fat and inflexible, so there's that.

The Exorcist
I'm a huge horror fan (well, mostly a fan of movies that deal with ghosts and demons, not that slice 'em up stuff), so I had to give this one a try. I was half-watching it for a while and wasn't super into it, so bored on a train journey, I decided to actually focus on one of the episodes. Now, I really like it, though it's a shame its on at a bad time (Friday night). I really like how they captured some of the essence of the original while still making fresh and modern characters.

Real Housewives of Orange County
Judge away, but these are my girls. I've been watching this franchise since 2006 and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to someone else, but I'm having fun with it. Ooooh, that Kelly.

Teen Mom: OG
Again, I've been watching this franchise since Day 1, so I feel slightly committed, even though I find myself losing interest. I guess waiting to see what Farrah will do next is reason enough to come back every week.

American Horror Story: Season 6
The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a change. So I guess that makes me crazy to continue with this series after it went down the pooper after Season 2. But I'm surprisingly not hating this season and kind of enjoying the ties to history. Though, I'm sure there is still time to disappoint me...

Dance Moms
Yes, I'm a loyal Dance Moms viewer. Judge if you must, but I'm still watching the girls. The show seems to be taking a dive lately, but I'm still along for the ride until the end.

Scream Queens
Season One was epic. Season Two, eh. I'm still going to keep watching until it gets to a point that I can't handle it anymore, but this new premise makes pretty much zero sense, even in their crazy world. And why are they abusing Chanel #5 so badly?! Poor Abigail Breslin.

What are your favorite shows this fall? Any recommendations, based on my awful TV show taste?

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Finding My Way Again

I've spoken on my blog before about the trouble I've been having with my blog in general. I started this blog as a fashion, beauty and lifestyle blog, but I quickly found that I didn't enjoy that as much as I thought.

One of the biggest issues I kept having with fashion and beauty blogging is the amount of STUFF you are sent. Last Christmas burned me out with reviews of free things. While it may sound glamorous to some, these items are often things I wouldn't want to use anyway, and I always found it difficult to say no to people.

So there I was, last Christmas, stuck with tons of things I didn't really need or want. Most of it got donated to a shelter for refugees from Syria, as I'm sure most of them didn't come with make-up and it might make them feel a bit more like themselves.

I've felt stuck with my blog for a while. Largely, I think, because I started doing more YouTube videos and I was still struggling with my intersistial cystitis pain. Lovely blogging companies still invited me out for things, but I often just didn't have the energy to go....and to be honest, I still don't.

It's depressing, and difficult to be a lifestyle blogger who doesn't have an enviable life. That's what people want to read about, anyway, isn't it? Not someone who is stuck in bed watching Netflix and working from home.

In April, I found veganism and thought that might be something I could turn my attention toward. It was a bit more meaningful than piles of clothes and make-up and something I hoped I could build a community with.

Unfortunately, it turns out that online veganism is simply a circus and I got caught up in some weird plot whereby a big YouTuber tried to lie about me in order to take down my channel and drive me off social media. Wow, what a compassionate community online veganism turned out to be...NOT.

So here I am.

This past weekend I met Doug the Pug and for some reason, that has motivated me a little bit more to work on my blog. I'm not sure what kind of posts I will have going forward, but I am hoping to get maybe a little bit more back into the swing of things.

Maybe I'll show you guys a glimpse into the two vacations I took this summer and neglected to blog about. We'll see.

I'm sure I won't be updating as often as I used to, but I still want to be in the game.

Thanks, Doug, for your pint sized inspiration:

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